Boundaries & Why You Should Set Them

A couple of days ago, I decided to end contact with someone I was getting to know and was starting to care about. I made future plans with this person and discussed what a deep connection with them would look like. I got invested in knowing them and understanding them. I looked forward to speaking to them every day and hoped their contact would become a normal part of my daily routine.

I’m setting this all up because I want you to understand that how much you care for someone, as well as, how much they care for you, should NOT factor into whether or not they are allowed to cross your boundaries. We’ll come back to this later.

Anyway, a couple of weeks passed, and I felt confident this person would become a normal fixture in my life until one day when they made some comments that made me visibly uncomfortable. I tried to change the subject many times, but they kept reverting back to the same topic. I hoped they would stop, and when they didn’t, I clearly asked them to pump the brakes because they were crossing my boundaries. Sensing I was a bit shaken, they quickly agreed to respect my boundaries and slow down. Though I felt upset, I decided to continue talking to them.

Later that day, they crossed the same boundary again in a more direct way, and I left our conversation extremely upset. I asked myself, why do they keep pushing this, and have I not been clear enough. I texted a few trusted friends looking for confirmation, but after a few minutes passed, I realized I didn’t need confirmation for how I felt. I only needed to rely on my own instincts, so I clearly and quickly ended contact with that person. Immediately I felt safer and happier—a huge indicator that I did the right thing. I eventually did hear from my friends, who were immensely proud of me for taking control of the situation.

I’m writing about this because I think society tells us (especially us women) that we constantly owe people “the benefit of the doubt” even when in the process we lose the most important thing—ourselves. In the past, I have bent my boundaries and ignored red flags for the benefit of a stranger at the expense of my own wellbeing, but I’ve grown so much since then. I’ve learned to put myself first even if it ends in hurt feelings or awkwardness because I’d rather deal with these feelings than a gaping feeling of betrayal to myself. This isn’t me saying, “don’t care about others.” I’m saying don’t invest time and energy into people who don’t respect or care about you. If people really care, love, and respect you, they will not only respect your boundaries but encourage them.

So sister, please set up boundaries in your life and don’t ever bend on them. If they can’t respect them, they aren’t meant to be in your life.

As always, I love you, and I pray for you to have infinite blessings!