The In-Between Stage

With graduation less than two weeks away, I’m feeling strange. Though I think about it often, the gravity of these remaining days being my last days of college FOREVER still hasn’t hit me. My brain is having a hard time processing this fact. It’s made weirder by the fact that I haven’t stepped foot on my physical campus in over a year, so it feels like I’m preparing to say goodbye to an estranged, distant friend. At the same time, the transition away feels strangely natural. It seems right that I should be moving on to the next thing. It feels right to be planning goodbye dinners and post-graduation trips because it’s been a long time, right?

And yet, with all this comfort there is an element of anxiety and fear. And for me, it manifests in different ways—growing easily frustrated as I look for apartments in my new city, feeling irritated when my college friends don’t answer the phone on the first try, and even crying over a final 2-page paper assigned in an easy class. Reflecting now, I see that those emotions stem from a fear of the unknown, as well as anxiety about having to start all over. It took hard work to become who I am today, and a part of me is worried a new setting could undo all the progress. This of course is an irrational fear, but it is something I ponder as I try on my graduation gown. Who is college Dom without college? Is law school Dom confident and assured?

Add in the coronavirus and more questions and anxieties come. Will I know how to interact with people? Will I be socially awkward? Will I revert to my introverted, anti-social shell? Will I meet people who grow to understand me the way my college friends do?

This is the part no one tells you about. No one tells you that along with hope and excitement, there’s a feeling of deep loss and a worry that all of the highs you felt at college can’t be replicated. And as I listen to all the cities my friends are heading to, I think, are they going to meet people who are cooler than me? More interesting? Will they forget me?

And I guess that’s the problem with the in-between stage. All you can see is what you’re leaving behind. You can’t see all the joys and laughter up ahead, though deep down I know those things are there. You can’t see the late nights and new friends coming, just the ones behind you.

But, instead of running away from these feelings and telling myself to perk up and get excited, I’m leaning into them. I think this mourning process is a natural part of progress. I have to remind myself that I’ve been here before. When I graduated from high school, I had the same worries, and look at me now! I met the best people and had the best times. So surely those things will come with this next chapter. And I think it’s ok to cry and be frustrated because things are changing. I can’t go back and that is scary. Why pretend otherwise? I genuinely don’t know if my college friends will be my friends in the coming years. I don’t know who law school Dom will be. I have no idea. All I know is that I’m going to drink, dance, and eat until the sun comes up because if this closing chapter has taught me anything it’s that all you can do in life is enjoy the present. The best feeling is going to be throwing my cap in the air knowing I did and experienced everything I wanted out of college. I feel sad, but not regretful, which is a great comfort. To the future!