Choosing People Who Choose You

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I swear I’m not trying to flex when I say this, but my heart is a little too big. By that I mean, it’s too open and available. All it takes is one positive interaction for me to care about someone and to invest in their feelings towards me. The problem with keeping a “For Rent” sign on your heart is that you remain in a constant state of instability and unease. As soon as the tenant changes their mind, they move out, but you still feel the emptiness they left behind. And if you haven’t figured it out yet, this is a very unhealthy and sad way to live.

As I’ve been figuring out my new living situation post-grad, reviewing properties, and eventually signing a lease, I discovered just how much goes into finding and securing a home. My whole life, I’ve allowed romantic and platonic tenants to wreak havoc on my heart without proper vetting. When you sign a lease, your credit history is reviewed, former roommates are called, and you have to provide proof that you will consistently pay rent. Looking back, as soon as someone expressed interest, I handed away the keys. Yikes!! I did not check to make sure they had respected hearts in the past, how they handled current relationships, or even if they were truly committed to sticking around for the long haul.

So why was I so eager to open the door? It definitely has ties to a lack of self-worth, but also a desire to experience something new without really making sure it was a worthwhile experience. I’ve learned recently that not every new experience is worth having. Sure you could go on a date, but if you already know your expectations don’t align, why even waste your time? For the “experience”? I don’t think so, sister. Sure you could make a new friend, but if you’ve seen how they treat their current friends, why put yourself in harm’s way? “To give it a try”? Nah, I’m good.

Now, I’m not advocating for you to close yourself off completely, but if you’re like me and you’ve overshared, over-invested, and over-cared for people you REALLY don’t know yet are worthy of that, maybe it’s time to reevaluate. The truth is, when you come to the realization that not everyone is worthy of you and your energy, you behave differently. And please know, I’m not chastising because I’ve only recently come to this realization myself. So repeat after me, NOT EVERYONE IS WORTHY OF MY TIME AND ENERGY.

And though I’m still figuring out my own vetting process, I want to share with you a few questions I’m going to be asking going forward.

  1. Do I feel comfortable around this person?

  2. Do they make me feel good about myself? Or do they try to take me down a peg?

  3. Could this person fit into the community of friends and family I have already established?

  4. Are they supportive of my passions?

  5. Am I confused about this person’s intentions? Or are their intentions always clear?

  6. When I speak to this person, am I anxious or calm?

  7. Do I feel like I’m putting on a facade when I spend time with them?

If your relationships cannot pass this vetting process, I suggest you break your lease. The discomfort from separating yourself from bad relationships will pale in comparison to the pain of getting invested in a person who does not value your heart.

Take it from me, it’s NOT WORTH IT.

So I’ll end this by saying, I love you and I hope you know that you deserve people who choose you. Let’s make sure the people we bring into our hearts can pay the rent.